The Power of No


Something new happened this week. I said no. You see, I have a hard time saying no. You probably are familiar with my type – nice, agreeable, a people pleaser. I stepped out of my affable behavioral pattern to say no to something that would have affected my self-respect and value as a human being. I not only said no, I stuck up for myself.

Acknowledging my people pleasing character flaw at the age of 48 has been a huge detriment to my life as a grown-ass woman. I apply my unfortunate characteristic to any type of relationship whether it be co-workers, family members I haven’t seen in years, romantic interests. My flaw does not discriminate. It opens the door to all types of folks from all walks-of-life. Anyone who encounters me gets my very best…and more. That “and more” part? That is where the problem lies.

I market myself as a warm, giving human and while there is nothing wrong with said attributes, I seem to move well beyond a caring individual and create this whole other platform in which to sell my duties as a friend or companion. Part of the issue with people pleasing is that I’m naturally an extrovert. I’ve always worked in career positions where my paycheck relies on building relationships with other people in a community. My unique self-branding skills are a big part of my appeal. Still, my personality type is not an excuse for allowing other people to take advantage of me.

I am trustworthy; therefore, I assume everyone I meet is extending the same courtesy. When you assume the people you meet are trustworthy, and you are a people pleaser who has trouble saying no, you put yourself in a vulnerable position. For some reason I completely forget my own self-worth, my core values and boundaries. I get stuck into doing what someone else wants without expressing my own needs. The worst part is that when I don’t put myself first it lessens my significance. It robs me of my dreams. It breaks my heart.

I called my very best friend and told her about my big, “just say no” power move. I told her how someone attempted to lessen my self-worth and I squashed it with brevity. She asked what made me stand up for myself this time. I think it is due to my upcoming explant surgery, my choice to go flat. I chose to take control over my body and in turn, it has offered me a sense of empowerment that I have never felt before – a strength I never had. I feel that making the choice to go flat has given me great value. Now that I’ve allowed myself value, it has shaken my core, gifting me with more power. The power to say no.

I have to admit I’m ashamed I didn’t catch on to this “learning to say no thing” until now. I suspect other women have similar experiences. What is the turning point for us? What must happen to achieve self-love before we find ourselves drowning in the demands of others? For me it took an incredible, life-altering decision that will change my body and my mentality forever. I’ve had other significant life events that directed me on a path of self-discovery, but none of those events turned me into the powerful being I am at this moment. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time being afraid to say no for fear that people wouldn’t like or respect me.

This week the word no worked for me. I think I might use it more often.

Dating, Sex, and Empowerment

I’ve been thinking about what dating will be like without breasts. Not that dating WITH boobs is a walk in the park, but I suppose I’m worried about limiting my dating pool when potential partners discover my body sans boobs. Who can blame a man, really? Boobs are wonderfully attractive. I’m a straight middle-aged woman and I LOVE a great set of tits. A woman with beautiful curves is a sexy woman, in my opinion.

I never lacked in the boob department. I had fantastic, big boobs. I loved them, my friends loved them, and men in my life loved them. I remember when I was a newlywed and my mother-in-law, in her chipper tone advised, “If you’ve got them, flaunt them!” I was never a woman who flaunted her breasts. Even my mother tried to get me to wear low-cut tops more often. My senior year of high-school the boy who had a locker next to mine put his hands on my shoulders, looked at my chest and exclaimed, “Melissa! I’ve watched you grow through the years!”. He was a friend and we had the same last name so we shared the same commons space all through high school. Indeed, he did watch me grow!

I didn’t hide my curves, but I didn’t show them off much either. Turtlenecks and loose tops were my standard. I regret that now. If I had known I would lose my breasts at the age of 46 I would have entered armature night at the local strip club a long time ago. I would have strapped myself into a demi-cut, push-up bra for a girls-night-out. No shame. Just unabashed voyeurism. Womanhood in all of its glory. (Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t be caught dead swinging from a pole.) What I would have done is used my breasts to elicit a bit more feminine prowess.

While it is true that I didn’t expose my cleavage as much as I could have, my sexual identity revolved around my boobs. The problem is that I didn’t realize this until they were gone. The door to my sexual self, resided under my shirt. I placed so much value on them – my value as a woman. Yes, there were times I was annoyed with my big, laborious chest. They made buying clothes very difficult. They made me look fat in photos. They would get very sore during menstruation. After children and with age they changed. Still, I loved that part of my body and occasionally, so did others. In rare moments, there were times that a man would look at me like a dish of ice cream just waiting to be devoured. I will never forget a man bravely telling me I had “fat tits”. It sounds so vulgar, but to him it was a compliment. I tossed my hair and playfully thanked him. I worry I’ll never be looked at like a dish of ice cream again.

This process of going flat is about self-love. I am learning to throw caution to the wind and take this risk. I am not doing this for the approval of others, for a man’s love. No, I am doing this for me. This is truly the most empowering moment in my life.